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From: andrea
Date: Thu May  8 17:29:06 EDT 2008
Subject: and it is done

Responses
adriennelynne: a response (5/9/08)

andrea: yesterday... (5/9/08)

andrea: dancing today (5/10/08)

Responses (sorted by date)
andrea: dancing today (5/10/08)
andrea: yesterday... (5/9/08)
adriennelynne: a response (5/9/08)

On a Thursday, 1 year and 8 1/2 months ago, Makayla was put into our arms. She was asleep and didn't know where she was when she woke up crying. Today, so grown up and brave, she walked out of our home and possibly out of our lives forever holding the hand of her other mother. She is gone...how can it be? Will we ever know if she is ok? Please pray with us for her well-being, her spirit (what a great spirit of joy she has), and for her parents. May they be reached by kindness, love, God's grace, and joy themselves through this process and through 'our' (the royal our) daughter.
Love,
McCulley family

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From: adriennelynne
Date: Fri May  9 10:38:21 EDT 2008
Subject: a response

So if you are anything like me...waking up today is probably the worst... realizing she's not there and won't be again.
So be good to yourself. Allow yourself to mourn, take a walk, talk to God about how you're feeling, be present with your precious Ellie, allow Ryan to hold you, and give yourself grace. You did a wonderful thing for your little girl by loving her as your own. And because you loved her so freely the wounds are that much deeper. They will take time. Today is a numb day. It's kind of like you're covered in layers of pain and you are trying to rip them off so you can feel joy and breathe...when will the pain go away? Get off of me pain! Let me breathe...I am suffocating in your grip. You'll wonder if you'll ever feel peace about this whole thing. Was it worth the pain? Of course it was. You know that without me saying. So today and the days ahead are your pain days as you learn to live without her. And they are also your journey days as you learn to walk into the person Christ has created you to be. He has given you a heart for children, and a heart for parents who aren't able to care for their children. He is going to use you in this way...to reach the broken. The best advice I was given was about a month after N left and we hadn't yet decided to take in another one. I was crying and crying feeling like I had failed her because she was screaming for us when they took her away and I wanted to play God and fix everything. And Ginger looked at me with genuine heart filled eyes and said, "You have got to give yourself some grace." I am sure she had to hear the same when she lost Colin. Not that one's experience is like another...nor that we feel the same...and not that we understand...but that we love one another. And I love you so much and I so wish I could be there to cry with you the way you were there when our doodle bug left a year ago. So know I too am hurting for you today and I think you are special. So here's a big hug and lots of love poured out from David and Adrienne in what seems like worlds away Michigan.

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From: andrea
Date: Fri May  9 11:48:11 EDT 2008
Subject: yesterday...

yesterday was harder, so far. Things hit me today and I feel things all over again, but her not being in her bed isn't unusual lately. I do see her bed and just want to curl up in it though. I think I am a bit numb and we have both been in a fog lately, walking into a room and not being able to figure out why we are there.
Both of us cried so much trying to get her ready to leave. As much as I tried not to carry on in front of M, she did see me cry about her leaving and I think that is ok. She often tells me in the middle of her times of crying, after I ask her if she is sad or mad, 'no, happy' through her blubbering mouth. So, I let her see me cry. It is ok to feel sadness or anger I told her so I thought it was good to live what I preach. Yesterday, in the bathroom a few minutes before she left, she saw me crying and said, "mommy crying a little". I said "yes" and she did what she does with her dolls as we hugged..."shhhhh, don't cry". patting me on the back. She has often told us "I love you too, I love you too" as we spent time together lately. Then there was the spontaneous gift that God gave me through her a week ago or so...I had been talking to her about her leaving and some tears slipped out. She said, "I'll miss you". I told her that "I'll miss you too" and she kept saying "I'll miss you too, I'll miss you too". So precious....
I cried yesterday on M's mother's shoulder during a hug after M walked out the door. Not because she wanted me too or invited, but because I was a pile of mush once M walked over that threshold, perhaps never to return. God gave me another gift yesterday through M's mom. As I cried during out hug, she told me, "you did a really good job" and thanked us for everything. That made me cry harder. I know we finished this thing well and we can be proud, no matter what anyone else thinks. But it is hard, knowing that others' thoughts of us might be what keeps us from seeing her again.
Well...that is all for now.
Thanks Adrienne for your friendship and for your knowing of me through this...I love you too.

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From: andrea
Date: Sat May 10 13:08:50 EDT 2008
Subject: dancing today

So, today Ellie and I dance. To songs that Miss M loved.
We got through yesterday. It was weird going to the drumming circle without her, though. She feels like she belongs right next to Eric in play and at meal time. But she isn't there. I became an emotional lump yesterday when I saw Eric; I cried with good friends in the hallway at the Seneca house. It felt weird that life should go on normally for most when life doesn't seem like it will ever be normal again for me/us. It does feel like a death of a child...the grieving would be similar though she still lives, so I don't want to downplay what a death feels like to parents. It is just that she may never be alive in our presence again though her life goes on elsewhere.
But today, I am, through tears, looking at and re-experiencing the joy that we had with Miss M and Ellie in dancing. We all enjoyed that and we are darn good dancers, I might add!
I think I'll just keep sharing here as I feel led, though not many may respond. That's ok...it is therapeutic for me anyway.

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